But after a long old conversion with my 77 year old Mum tonight I felt I must.
My parents produced a family of 3 children. I am the last of the 3.
Our dad died very unexpectedly when I was 5 (sibling bro's were 7 & 11)
It would seem so many years later that the sibling 7 has issues with his child hood.
I being how I am have tried to explain (rightly or wrongly) to my mum the 'middle child' concept.
He sees it as the eldest Bro was favoured and I as a girl was also favoured and he missed out! Granny didn't help as she would give £1 to me and elder Bro but 5 shillings to middle Bro ... none of this I remember at all.. nor do I feel any advantage of being the only girl.. I am just part of the family..
My Mum, in her dotage, is now calling into question how she treated him/us, and I know she always treated us the same, she had enough love for all of us despite being widowed at 36 and in such despair ( but I must say I have learned the wrath to live with from elder Bro was 'such a one' & 'wayward'!)
It is not good for her now to start beating herself what she did, why she did what she did, what decisions she made ... god she was in such a haze I would never wish to imagine.
My dad came home from work on a Friday night then went out collecting 'pool coupons' (as he did to support his young family) .. came home inexplicably early with a raging headache and collapsed. The ambulance was called .. he had had a stroke aged 44 years. (my mum had folk calling around with money for their pools that dad had not collected so she then spent the night into the early hours sorting this out ... she was concerned in case someone may have won .. that is my Mum.. I how I am would have told them to 'go away' but not so politely... but not Mum)
My Dad ...he died on the Sunday.
Mum was all over the place (as you would expect) she took advice from neighbours and relatives and acted on it on auto pilot...... I was 5 years old and was told 'your Dad this morning, go to church, don't cry as Granny doesn't know yet!' ..she was told 'don't bury him it will cost too much' etc etc
On advice I was not allowed to go to the funeral or cremation.
For years I looked out of the front room window looking for my Dad to come home & he never did.........
It was only a few years ago that I accepted he had died when I saw the entry in the crematorium register from 1967. I don't blame Mum in the slightest ( I have told her this tonight) .. it was what was done best at that time
I dealt with it then but this today I am dealing with something new the honesty of grief from my Mother (my cousin told me how my mother would cry herself to sleep .. but put that at the back of my mind as it was 3rd party) who has never, ever opened up to me until today & why she did what she did at the time, my mother has just entrusted me .... & I am weeping so much now at her honesty... but maybe now I can now help my brother .........
(this is the only photograph I have of my dad and me)
god I have an important meeting tomorrow & am so going to look like a red eyed frog!!
4 comments:
I hope your Mum was reassured by your words last night - I'm sure she was but, from experience, they'll need repeating.
Families are very complicated structures and can be quite fragile. The TG's family is a nightmare ...... many sessions of reassurance with many members ....... luckily I like them!
Now dry your eyes and get ready for the next session - *hugs*
[I used to collect the football pools as well which I'd completely forgotten about - I think I must have still been at school]
I've been dealing with a family death this past week, and it hasn't been easy. Such a number of varying emotions pulse through the brain that it's truly difficult to wrap your head around everything. Frustration, anger, sympathy, empathy, pure despair...sometimes life just does not make any sense.
Regardless of my own emotions, however, nothing (nothing) tears me up more quickly than seeing my mother cry. It's such an overwhelming feeling of helplessness that I can't help breaking down.
Our mothers are, however, stronger than we think-
Thank you DP I hope she was reassured .. she was up beat yesterday .... It is a huge realisation when you become a parent to your parent(s) as well as your Child(ren)
Rev- please accept my heartfelt condolences ..... & I am sorry for your loss. Yes soooo many emotions hit you in grief .. so many that we have never dealt with, I know my Mum must have gone through so much at the time that she had no idea what was right and wrong.
Yes our mothers heartfelt tears are a hard one to handle.. nothing can prepare us for that one x
Post a Comment